A little crazy
by paperunicorn
Summary: Waiting to be proven innocent as trapped and lonely as he was in Azkaban, sometimes Sirius feels a little crazy. What was life like in Grimmauld place most of the time? Sirius is not really coping! and he always makes the wrong choices!


Sirius Black was sitting in his old bedroom in Grimmauld Place. God he hated it here. He swallowed as he looked around at the peeling wallpaper and moldy curtains. It was better than Azkaban of course but sometimes not that much.

Dumbledore was once his hero but after he failed to protect Lily and James Sirius realised the old man was flawed. And now he was making him waste day after day of his precious freedom locked up in the place he most hated That he had hoped never to see again.

Sirius was so lonely here because even with the order of the phoenix coming and going, well it was mostly going. They came for meetings sometimes and Molly dropped by once a day to make sure she had dinner. But the rest of the time he wondered around the house by himself with only filthy Kreacher for company. "Sirius?" said a concerned voice and Sirius looked up to see a concerned Remus looking around the door at him.

"Are you okay Sirius?"

"I thought you were out" said Sirius joyfully bounding up from the bed. The person he was always happiest to see was right here. His oldest best friend still alive.

"I had to come back to get a change of clothes" said Remus Lupin "I'm looking for the werewolves for you know, old friend. But I was worried I look too neat on reflection. The first werewolf I found distrusted me because of my cloths. I'm not ragged enough!

Sirius laughed. "That isno't something you often hear. I would have found that so hilarious when I was on the run from Azkaban in my prison rags." They shared a brief smile "I'd better get going" said Remus "Do I look the part now?"

He opened the door to showoff his new disguise. He was clad in filthy rags and he was wrinkled his nose "You don't smell bad enough. And your toenails are too nicely trimmed, like a girl's. Wait." He pointed his wand at his friends feet "Engorgio!"

Lupin's feet swelled to twice their normal size and kept going.

"Hey!" said Lupin alarmed "Watch it, Padfoot!"

Sirius cracked up. "You're the Padfoot now, look at you"

"That's not funny" scowled Remus pointing his wand at his feet so they shrank back to normal size. "I'll do the nails your aim is terrible."

He enlarged his toenails and used a sharpen charm to turn them properly clawlike and ragged.

"Very nice. I mean disgusting." Said Sirius.

"Thank you. I'll work on the body odour."

"You have to go right now?" said Sirius wistfully "This is like old times. Without ...you know" a cloud passed over his face and Remus's face too. Lily and James had left a gaping hole in both their hearts. "I'm afraid so, I am already behind with Dumbledore's plan" replied Remus "See you later buddy."

The house felt even lonelier after he left and Sirius hated this being so useless. James would have laughed at him. Lily, well Lily was another matter. She had understood him like she had understood everyone, She was the most sympathetic girl he had ever know. Although despit being in tune with his feelings otherwise she had never picked up on the way he felt. Sirius had loved Lily as much as James had loved her. The strong firey laughing girl with the mop of redhair. She respected him too for the way he had turned his back on his dark pure blood family. She was the only witch hed ever loved too. Of course when James had first told Sirius excitedly in the Gryffindor tower bedroom that he and Lily had kissed behind the greenhouses, Sirius felt his adolescent heart break with a terrible stabbing pain. But James was his best mate And Lily loved him. That was obvious. Sirius knew she had never looked at him in that way. So he backed away. He had never told a soul not even Remus, not even after James and Lily's deaths. But a day never passed when he didnt think about her. It was worse in this great big house locked up all day every day with no distraction his thoughts. And his mind still ravaged from the endless dementor attacks at Azkaban some times got stuck on a loop. Lily's body berried in the rubble at Godrics hollow where he found them. James, all he saw of James oh god was a hand reaching up from under a pile of blasted stone, Lily was sprawled on the remains of Harry's bedroom floor, her green robes floating around her fallen body like water. obviously dead.

Sirius clenched his fists then got up suddenly and stalked downstairs. He took a breadknife from the kitchen drawer and looked for something to vent his feelings, A chopping board would do. He pulled out one of the wooden blocks and gripped the knife and stabbed it viciously over and over till his shoulder ached...

"Sirius! What are you doing?"

Sirius dropped the knife in shock. Unfortunately it landed on his foot.

"Yee-owwww!"

"Oh my goodness!" yelled Tonks who it turned out was the one who had just come in. "Are you okay?!"

Sirius wimpered in a dog like fashion.

"I'm rubbish at healing spells" admitted Tonks as they both looked at the small hole in Siriuses foot.

"Yeah me too."

"But there's a box of plasters in the cupboard!" said Tonks brightly pulling them out (and dropping them immediately). "Oopps..." She picked one off the floor and stuck it on carefully. "There."

Sirius grinned. Actually it hadn't been that bad but that had been quite fun. "So why were you stabbing the chopping board?" said Tonks looking wary. "I mean should I be worried."

"Nah," said Sirius. Embarrassed. "I was just in a bad mood. Lonely I guess. I hate it here."

"I know what you mean," said Tonks looking around. "I hate it here too. Reminds me of my mum's family who hated me, and half of their portraits are on the walls too." "The only good thing about most of them is that they're dead." Said Sirius bitterly.

"Maybe they would have been allright if they'd had more of a chance" said Tonks softly "they all grew up surrounded with, well each other. My mum and you just were able to see and break free, We could've gone that way too."

Sirius looked at her seeing Tonks in a new light. She had always been his kid cousin, But she had grown into a beautiful person, and not just in looks.

"You see the best in people, don't you" he said wistfully "But there's not much good left in me , I'm used up." He was damaged and sometimes half mad he knew that And now she'd seen him stabbing a chopping board violently what would she think?

She touched his arm gently. "You are not used up. Your past was .. well a wash out. Let's not go there, But now you have Harry. He loves you and you are an incredible godfather!"

"I'm not there for him all the time like I should be" Sirius was bitter.

"He knows you are there when you need him" said Tonks and on impulse she gave him a huge hug.

Sirius stiffened immediately, No one ever hugged him. I mean literally no one. Not since Lily hugged him in Fourth year for rescuing her from a tree when her broom got swepped off course. He breathed in the smell of Tonks bubblegum pink hair. To his surprise it smelt of bubblegum too. Strawberry. He looked down at her heart shaped face and swallowed. Unexpected feelings were suddenly coursing through him as he felt her pretty plump arms hold him.

Tonks let go eyes twinkling as always, She had no idea what she had just done. Sirius felt suddenly like a starving dog who had been given a bone only to have it whisked away. And, oh god! His best friends bone! I mean girl! Tonks and Remus were making eyes at each other, everyone knew it. Sirius choked "excuse me Tonks, see you later" and rushed to his room. There he paced up and down tearing at his hair. What was he doing. First Lily then Tonks. Couldn't he ever like a girl not already claimed by his best friends? He groaned. This was a pattern hed seen before. And it hadn't ended well.

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Hello everyone. This is my first story. I will be writing more soon! thanks for reading :) please review if you liked it


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